Saturday, 9 November 2013

Why can't i just be normal?

For a very long time i thought i was a bit weird, something unnatural, or i had something wrong with me because i didn't understand the thoughts and motivations of others upon a certain subject (well actually many subjects but that is not the point of this post). I'm not a very intelligent person, so i'm not highly knowledgeable about anything that i am talking about i am simply voicing the opinion i have kept inside for so long out of fear of judgement, fear of offending other people and fear of rejection.I am not going to read through this post to correct for grammar or mistakes or general stupidity so don't bother getting angry about that because i couldn't care less. However if i do in fact offend anyone then you can have my formal apology in writing for that was not my intent. My intent is to vent my own frustration but i realise it is not my right to vent if it hurts others so please forgive me.
Moving on, thanks to being educated by the internet, i thought that i was Asexual. I have never told anyone this before. I am afraid. Looking back on my life i realise that i most likely am, i have never cared for love or relationships, i remember doing the very cruel thing (although i didn't realise it was cruel at the time) of persuading or at least trying to persuade my romantic friend that love did not exist. Because it did not make sense to me. Because it was something i had never felt. Because sex grossed me out, although i assumed i was just being immature. For people who don't know, Asexuality means that you have no sexual desire towards either gender, as we need to make it clear it is very different from Celibacy. Celibacy is where sexual people make the choice not to have sex. Asexuality is not a choice, it's an orientation. But then i was a little confused because i still fell in love eventually. But i think it's a different kind of love that i experience. I haven't fallen in lust with anyone, i don't love you because of your body, i don't think about 'making love' in the conventional sense. I don't need that to express my love. I love the closeness, i love the connection you can make with another person, i love being loved and being cared for and caring for another person, knowing that you are the most important person to each other. I can't explain it well but basically this is a romantic asexual (or at least that is what i have come to believe, there are a few sub divisions and they confuse me and none of them really quite accurately describe how i feel). I desire another person (you know who you are), just not for... that.

(i can't explain this to you because i don't want you to assume that i don't find you attractive because i do. In a completely contradictory to this post way i find you very attractive. But that is not what i love you for. I love you for who you are and how you make me feel. My love is a slightly different kind to yours but it is just as strong. But i do desire you sometimes because you need it. This doesn't change anything, i enjoy it sometimes because it makes you happy and it makes me happy to be able to make you happy in a way that no one else can. i hope. Maybe some day i will feel the same way about it that you do. It's just more difficult for me.)

I just don't care about it, i don't understand it. It looks... gross, the whole idea of it is... gross and weird. I know it is a natural part of life but for some reason i can't get around that. Because of the highly sexualised nature of everyday modern life i feel like sex is something that we, in our usually decadent human condition, have spawned out of filth; it no longer feels like a part of nature, baby making, reproducing. It feels like a degrading manifestation of human fetish and desire. Movies, porn, General pop culture and attitude towards sex has kind of... ruined it for me, anything 'magical' or 'romantic' about it is long gone. I'd much rather live in a world where we have victorian social faces and (please ignore the filthy under layer we all know victorian england had and focus on societies pretense of sophistication) are generally sexually oppressed.Now i know that this is another extreme that is (i guess) just as bad as the sexualised world we live in now i am just saying that if it was a choice between the two i would rather that, because at least then i would have some sort of regard for sex, at least then it would be something i held in some sort of esteem instead of something i (wrongly) see as being dragged through the mud and filth, something i don't want to touch.
Or at least i hope i would.

Masturbation is even worse, i don't see the point of that, it sounds disgusting. (and for some reason seems really selfish to me and like... wrong. Although i know it isn't of course) I have absolutely no desire to partake in such a practice and the idea of other people doing it makes me queasy. I don't know why. This is just the way that i think.Being surrounded by sex every day, from the sex used in adverts and in TV programs to the casual porn people i follow sometimes reblog on Tumblr ( i have often unfollowed people for too much of this, because i don't want to see that. If you want to reblog porn that's fine but i just don't like it), but being surrounded by it all day every day gets so tiresome.It makes me uncomfortable and it makes me feel alienated and unwelcome. I understand appealing to people's sexuality to get a point across or sell something but surely there is a point when you stop and think, is this really necessary????
I'm not going to want something just because the person trying to sell it to me is nearly naked, it makes me wonder if they can afford clothes. This product obviously isn't selling very well if they can't even afford adequate covering, so why would i want this thing??

It's also annoying when i love an actor or musician and people assume it's because they're attractive. No, why the hell would i care that they have a lovely face? that's not all people have going for them, that tivialises their talent, or their hard work. I like these people because they are funny, intelligent, charismatic, a great example of their profession. An example of this is Tom Hiddleston. Yes i love Tom Hiddleston, but not because he has a beautiful face (which he does admittedly) and not because of his body (whats with all the crotch photo's of him on tumblr? like seriously) i love him because he is hilarious, he has a great sense of humour, he's witty and intelligent, highly intelligent so far as i have seen. Well educated in so many areas. And he is a terrific actor, he puts his heart and soul into his performances and wins our hearts. I don't really care about the fact that he is nice looking don't assume that's all that i am after as a fangirl. My likes aren't sexualised thank you very much, just because i am a teenage girl doesn't mean that is all that i care about ok?

I've never looked at someone and thought 'I'd have sex with them'. Literally never. People used to do that thing where they're like, 'what celebrity would you sleep with' or 'who is your girl crush' and more inapropriate questions and i never have an answer. People always assume that i don't want to answer because i am shy or because i have an innocent mind (which i kind of do i guess) and they get frustrated. The truth is, i just never think about it because i wouldn't want to sleep with any of these people, because ewwww. No i don't want to do that. Eww. Stahp it. I can pick a celebrity i would most want to spend an extended period of time with or do an activity with but i wont want to sleep with them. And anyway Ian Mckellen and Stephen Fry are gay. Even if i did want to sleep with them they wouldn't want to sleep with me, so is monopoly ok? i have Star Wars monopoly i would love to play that with them or maybe they could just have an intelligent conversation and i could just sit and listen and maybe input every now and again. That would be like sex for me so is that an adequate answer to your question?

The idea of porn literally disgusts me. I cannot think of anything worse. It makes me feel physically ill. Why on earth would you want to invade so much into something so private? something that should be so sacred. It's like you are looking through a hole in the wall or into someones window, except you aren't a pervert for doing it. You're watching two people you don't know doing something (gross) that you should not get so many close ups for. I didn't need to know what genitals look like in so much detail and i didn't need to know what they look like close up and interlocked either (thanks tumblr you have literally ruined my mind these images are forever burned into my unwilling subconscious. I still love you though don't worry) I have never really watched porn and i never will, the closest i have gotten is a sex scene in a movie or the occasional picture or gif on tumblr despite blacklisting a load of tags. I don't understand what is sexy about a highly detailed close up of a but hole. and lets be honest Genitals are generally quite odd looking are they not? I mean, come on, Genitals aren't beautiful... Right?. And the idea of the person you love watching porn too baffles me. They're becoming sexually aroused and satisfying themselves to a fantasy of another person. Another person. Not you. A stranger. In my mind they might as well be having sex with the stranger. I know that's a big leap but it makes perfect sense in my mind, i just have such an awful way with words and it disgusts me so much that i just can't properly explain it to you.But porn infuriates me. (kind of like how the police officers in Ripper Street are disgusted by it. That kinda made me happy i could relate to that - although i can never (spoiler) forgive Matthew Macfadyen's character for cheating on his wife. That is literally the worst. I would never ever forgive him if i was his wife. I love Macfadyen though, he is an awesome actor. He is basically an English Keanu Reeves. I love him too. I'd play monopoly with them too. Or an awesome Card game. Do you think Keanu Reeves knows how to play Yu Gi Oh? Or Stephen Fry. Playing against Stephen fry in Yu Gi Oh is now my new life dream, nothing ever comes close. Except maybe Sir Mckellen playing. Or both of them. With Kevin Conroy. Yes this is what i fantasise about when y'all are thinking about sex. See what you are missing out on???) Although i must say, if you are in it that's your choice, I'm not judging you, i'm judging the industry and the demand for it.

So yeah, here i am scratching the surface of my problems with.. well... life. I can't really compute in this life where i feel like i am a hole meant to be 'fucked'. A synonym for sex that makes me feel highly uncomfortable as well, because... well let me put it this way, you Fuck an object, you have sex or make love to a human being. At least that's what it is like in my eyes. On a side note i actually had someone say to me 'Any hole is the goal' i mean what the hell. That just..... grrr... 
I don't know what to say anymore, i just get constantly depressed because of all these thoughts and feelings that i have. This reaction i have to the world. It just makes me so frustrated because... well.... why can't i understand it? why can't i see sex as the casual thing that it supposedly is, why do i have to put it on this pedestal where my morals can be so easily torn down and destroyed and where no one else can truly understand what i think and i just bum them out or confuse them and they think i'm just overreacting (which i probably am) and making the person i love happy causes me so much distress that i hate myself and it isn't fair on them at all. Why can't i see it as something i am supposed to enjoy and not feel massively guilty and dirty about. Why can't i just be normal.

Why can't i just be normal.

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